Women Are Not Crazy

I am a woman who has a family and a career but I would not consider myself a feminist.  Some women may not like what I say but I do believe there are fundamental differences in men and women.  Primarily as it relates to the “mother instinct” and even emotional make-up that separates us.  Oh and the fact that we can multi-task and men cannot.  Period.  I don’t think that means a woman cannot do whatever she strives to do or be, I think we may just make different choices because we have so many more things to take care of – work, the home, children, etc.

Anyway, this post isn’t about feminism but is about women.  I saw this article article on Facebook that speaks to why women are not crazy and I have never seen this emotion so eloquently explained to make sense of so many scenarios.  I am posting this to my blog so I can read it to my daughter when the time is right.  

Why Women Aren’t Crazy

I have noted a few paragraphs below.

You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already! Sound familiar?  If you’re a woman, it probably does.

Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?

When someone says these things to you, it’s not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling—that’s inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, “Calm down, you’re overreacting,” after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation—pure and simple.

And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It’s patently false and unfair.

I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.

When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, “Forget it, it’s okay.”

That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking.
No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.

They say, “I’m sorry” before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.

Gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, “You’re so sensitive,” to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, that person is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.

From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.

I don’t think this idea that women are “crazy,” is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it’s connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as “crazy”.

Family Stories

I spend 8 hours a day in front of a computer (ugh) so read a lot of articles online.  Josh’s cousin shared an article she found on NYTimes.com and I thought it was so great I just had to share.  The Family Stories That Bind Us This Life.  The article spoke about the importance of creating a family narrative and sharing stories with our kids.  Studies have shown the more kids know about their families the better off they are.  When you think about it, it really comes down to communication.  If you are willing to share stories with your kids, good and bad, they will be willing to share with you too.  Knowing your history teaches you first hand that both good and bad things are going to happen in life.  When you hear stories of triumph and survival it has to teach kids that you can get through anything, right?  This too shall pass?

My two favorite times to talk with my 4 year old daughter is in the car and at the dinner table.  Emmy tells me all kinds of stories in the car, especially on the way home from school.  I love hearing about her day and answering all the questions she shoots at me.  She also happens to be a ssslllooowww  eater so we have some long dinners at the table some nights.  More talking takes place than eating!

We do not have a single family member who lives in San Diego.  And a lot of our immediate family lives in different places across the country.  So I feel even more responsible to talk to my kids and tell them about their family so they know them and understand how much they are loved.  To date, I think we’ve done a pretty good job.  As she gets older we’ll have to make sure we tell stories about how my husband and I grew up, where, etc.  We sure will have some interesting stories!! 

Here are a few highlights from the article:

The single most important thing you can do for your family may be the simplest of all: develop a strong family narrative.

Decades of research have shown that most happy families communicate effectively. But talking doesn’t mean simply “talking through problems,” as important as that is. Talking also means telling a positive story about yourselves. When faced with a challenge, happy families, like happy people, just add a new chapter to their life story that shows them overcoming the hardship. This skill is particularly important for children, whose identity tends to get locked in during adolescence.

The bottom line: if you want a happier family, create, refine and retell the story of your family’s positive moments and your ability to bounce back from the difficult ones. That act alone may increase the odds that your family will thrive for many generations to come.

17 Ways to be Happier at Work

I just read this great article – “17 Ways to be Happier at Work”.  I find them all to be very true but not only at work but in your everyday lives.  I have spent the last few years agonizing over situations at work and torturing myself by fighting it.  I have never accepted a situation I haven’t like by always looking for a solution or another situation.  Well, sometimes it can’t always be changed at this moment, but your attitude can.  Which is what I have really been consciously doing.  I can’t change my situation right now so I am focusing on the positive!

“To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him”. Buddha

“If you cannot make a change, change the way you've been thinking.  You might find a new solution.  Never whine.  Whining lets a brute know that a victim is in the neighborhood”.  Maya Angelou

A few highlights from the article:

1. Don't compare yourself to others.

Everybody, and I mean everybody, starts out in a different place and is headed on their own journey. You have NO idea where someone else's journey might lead them, so drawing comparisons is a complete waste of time.

2. Never obsess over things you cannot control.

While it's often important to know about other things--like the economy, the markets that you sell to, the actions that others might take, your focus should remain on what you actually control, which is 1) your own thoughts and 2) your own actions.

5. Remember you get the same amount of time every day as everyone else.

You may feel you're short on time and that you need more of it, but the simple truth is that when the day started, you got your fair share: 24 hours. Nobody got any more than you did, so stop complaining.

12. Smile and laugh more frequently.

Contrary to popular belief, smiling and laughter are not the RESULT of being happy; they're part of a cycle that both creates and reinforces happiness. Find reasons to smile.  Never, ever suppress a laugh.

15. Remember that however bad (or good) a situation is, it will inevitably change.

The nature of the physical universe is change. Nothing remains the same; everything is, as the gurus say, transitory. Whether you're celebrating or mourning or something in between, this, too, will pass.

17. Believe that the best is yet to come, no matter what.

When my grandmother was widowed in her 70s, she went back to college, traveled across Europe in youth hostels, and learned Japanese painting, among many other activities. The last thing she told me was: "You know, Geoffers, life begins at 90."

House Phone

This week Emmy’s preschool class was learning about the letter “N”.  Each day they have a lesson, do a craft, etc., and everything revolves around the letter “N”.  This week they were learning about phone numbers so we were asked to bring one in for her to memorize.  Huh.  Which number do we choose mine or Josh’s?   It got me thinking more about how this whole phone thing is going to work when she grows up?  When I was young, we had a single house phone so we had one number to remember and our friends always knew how to reach us.  What happens when Emmy and her friends grow up and they want to call each other to play?  Do they call the parent’s cell phones or is that when you are pretty much forced to buy them a cell phone?!  Believe it or not we actually still have a house phone.  We never answer it but I guess I am living in the dark ages and am having trouble letting go of the home phone and number we’ve had for over a decade.  Plus, I keep thinking that it’ll come in handy a few years from now when Emmy and her friends start talking on the phone – they can call our home phone!  Who and I joking, give it 5 years and I can just see the look on Emmy’s face when I tell her to use our portable home phone, I bet it’ll be a dinosaur by then! 

Transitional Generation?

This weekend Emmy told me that when she grows up she wants to me a “mommy”.  Such a sweetheart.  Nothing would make me happier.  Hopefully a little of what I have done as a mom has influenced that decision.   

When I was growing up, I had the same answer as Emmy.  If anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would say a mom as well.  When I responded a mom, I referred to the stay-at-home kind of mom.  I still want to be a stay-at-home mom when I grow up!  Part of my answer stemmed from the fact that my mom stayed at home with my siblings and I when we grew up and it was all I knew and wanted.  A lot of my friends moms were also stay-at-home moms growing up but all of us are now working women.  

 In my opinion, our generation’s parents raised us in a different time when things were less expensive and simpler.  People were more content living is smaller homes, sharing rooms and possibly even a car.  (The fact that I grew up in Toronto as opposed to Southern California where I live now, likely is a big influence on this opinion.  Perhaps it is just the environment in which I live now that makes it appear that everyone is striving for big houses and fancy cars and vacations).  It wasn’t until I grew up and graduated college and got married that I realized I was not going to be able to follow my dreams of being a stay-at-home mom, it is almost impossible to live in Southern California on one income.  My dream of being a mom still came true, I am just not living my life exactly how I had always envisioned.   

I wonder when Emmy tells me that she wants to be a “mommy” when she grows up, what does she mean by that and how does she envision her life?  She is the daughter of a full-time working mom and has gone to daycare since she was 12 weeks old.  Since that is all she knows, does she define mommy as the stay-at-home kind like I did?  Or does she assume she will also work outside of the home?  We are all a product of our homes and environment so it will be interesting to see how she ends up raising a family one day.  Times are a changing.  Are we the transitional generation that is teaching our daughters about being a mother and a working woman?  Will generations to come continue to work outside of the home without debate because more were raised in homes in which their mothers worked?  I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing but it may save our daughters the conflict and struggle some of us go through now having to accept the fact we have to work outside of the home, unlike our mothers did.